Three devils and a stalker
by tedyvirysa
Summary: This is utter crack which includes a stalking Hinata, antihero Naruto, blackmailer Sasuke and world conquering Sakura, you have been warned!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

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><p>Prelude: The path to madness.<p>

There was once a nine tailed fox that could eat Pluto's weight in ramen in one sitting but that is not important right now.

The important thing is that the fox was as mad as a hatter and couldn't win in a gambling game to save its live.

Not even against Tsunade of the sannin!

But as any other crazed gambler it was obsessed and couldn't stop itself, which led to it losing a bet against Madara Uchiha and being sealed as a result.

The fox's name was Kyuubi.

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><p>Chapter 1: Blackmailing, world conquering, antiheroic and stalking hell spawns in the making.<p>

The birds were chirping, Tora the cat was running away and driving gennin crazy and the sun was rising, much to every human being's annoyance.

With the sun four children in particular rose, with much crumbling and attempts to kill their alarm clocks, because school forgave no one.

They were Hinata Hyuga, Sasuke Uchiha, Sakura Haruno and Naruto Uzumaki, little did they know that that day would change their lives forever.

It started as any ordinary day: get breakfast, go to the Academy and ignore the teachers while pretending to be listening.

These kids all had their certain obsessions that became even stronger that day due to a bulling jerk.

The boy, who was in later years cursed all over the elemental nations as the "responsible one", was a branch Hyūga member that wanted to harm the clan's heiress, not that she was too bad.

Hinata Hyūga had a huge crush on one Naruto Uzumaki. So big in fact that she had made a shrine in his honor in her closet where she kept a voodoo doll of him "in case he ever becomes unfaithful".

He was the only thing that the usually shy girl could speak passionately about.

Unusually next to her was sitting Sakura Haruno.

She was a bi-polar, personality disorder suffering shy little girl known for being book smart and more that a little homicidal when someone went too far.

Near them Sasuke Uchiha sat on his favorite tree.

He was his brother's biggest fan and resident stalker.

He was also the current genius of his class and the one who got the honor of having his own stalkers, I mean fan club.

They all sat near Naruto Uzumaki's swing, it was his and no one else's, and whoever tries to get him to hand it over got pranked, all in all it was his miniature fortress and he wasn't giving it up!

He was obsessed with orange, ramen, silly hats and frogs.

He was also the village pariah for unknown to him reasons.

The evil branch member tiptoed in the clan heiress's direction caring a dung bomb.

He was not stupid enough to actually attack her for real but he could at least scare her this way and get away with it, or so he thought.

As the eight year old tiptoed towards the four six year olds he made the mistake of positioning himself righ behind the swing to throw the dung bomb from there which caused a chain reaction.

Naruto, thinking that it was another "invader", launched at the "armed" boy to drive him away from his "territory".

When Hinata saw that her crush was fighting a branch member she thought that he was defending her and vowed to return the favor by fallowing the blond everywhere.

After the counter attack against the sage of the swing started the branch member couldn't keep the dung bomb in his hand for the swing's protector fought with the strength of a chocolate addict fighting for the last piece of chocolate.

The dung bomb flew in slow motion, a loud and slow NOOOOOOOO was heard throughout the Academy, and then it got stuck in a bird's nest.

Naturally no bird would like a dung bomb in it's nest and started hitting it with his beck.

After seeing this Sasuke paled, how was he going to explain this situation to his mother if he went home smelling like a wet Inuzuka?

He slowly made his way towards the nest and started to try to bribe the bird.

Apparently a sandwich and few compliments weren't enough because the bird somehow managed to detonate the dung bomb right into his face and steal his sandwich!

Down on the ground Sakura watched for a while and blinked few times.

Her watch and blink routine led her to figuring two things: one she was a sadist and enjoyed her classmate's suffering and two she loved chaos.

Giggling to herself she vowed to see more of it even if she had to become a power hungry freak bend on world domination and those three unfortunate souls that had helped her figure this out will help her reach her goal or she'll give them hell.

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><p>Well this is for now, I guess.<p> 


	2. The changes in Sasuke and Sakura

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

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><p>Chapter 2: The changes in Sasuke and Sakura<p>

A week later the lives of all of the involved in the dung incident were getting stranger.

For starters Sakura's mother was shocked at all of maps her daughter's room can contain.

Sakura herself had become absorbed in a book titled "How to take over the world for dummies" by the Rokudo Sennin.

The book was simple indeed as Sakura read it she would frown or smile.

"How to take over the world for dummies"

Ok first find slaves, I mean followers, to do your binding!

Make sure they have some special abilities and don't need too much training, time spend training them can be spend crashing the competition!

Next find a hideout to store your minions, weapons (a well stocked shinobi is a living and conquering world one), scrolls and plans in, make sure it's big enough!

Having a Jinjuriki/Biju is a must, if you don't have them your plans will crash and burn.

When your organization is strong enough find a name and uniform for it, all of the cool power hungry freaks play dress up with their minions!

Find a nation which current situation is best described as "damsel in distress", help it then take over it, all of the semi-successful world conquering people had started like that!

Last but not least survive past your 20th birthday and even if you don't take over the world you'll get a nation and get the chance to try and take over Hell.

(PS: This is for dummies so I'll remind you to get strong, or else you won't survive to your 20th birthday -.-)

The End (don't bother me for pointers, I'm dead T_T)

Sakura's POV

_Hm, those three from yesterday will make passable minions._

**Yes and if they don't we'll brain wash them!**

_That's an excellent__ idea inner and the tree in the backyard is big enough for a tree house so we have the hideout thing down too!_

**We can store them there, but what about weapons and the other things? **

**Besides I really thing that by hideout the author meant something more, well hidden.**

_There are many caves near the village…_

**They are all booked by other organizations; I doubt that we will be able to bribe them away from them.**

_Not even with muffins?_

**They kick puppies, muffins won't work!**

_We can always convert one of my minion's homes into hideout, I heard Naruto lived alone._

**They are not our minions yet and that guide said nothing about how exactly to recruit them!**

_We could bribe them with muffins…_

**Enough with your muffins already!**

_Fine, fine but how do we find weapons and scrolls?_

**We could pick weapons from the training field****s and we can get the scrolls from the library, duh!**

_Inner, have you tried to take over the world before?_

**Look girl, I tried to take over your head and failed, that's all you need to know.**

_Anyway what's a Jinjuriki/Biju?_

**Maybe a ****Jinjuriki is a beast tamer of some sort and a Biju is an attack mutated bunny?**

_What sort of damage could a mutated bunny possibly do?_

**I don't know but the neighbor was terrified by bunnies, said that her carrots would never recover, and her garden looked like a battlefield!**

**A mutated bunny probably does ten times the same damage, or the dead guy wouldn't have suggested them.**

_But what do you need the tamer for if the bunny makes so much damage then, inner?_

**To safe the carrots?**

_But carrots are vegetables and veggies are icky!_

**There are many sick people who would want to safe them for torture purposes.**

_When __I__ take over the world those people will pay!_

**Right, now write your homework or your mother will confiscate the maps!**

_On it inner!_

End POV

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><p>Sakura was not the only changing.<p>

After going home smelling like a wet Inuzuka Sasuke became the lighting stock of the Uchiha clan.

The poor thing was teased mercilessly by his cousins.

One day found something that would forever terrify Konoha's populaces.

He found a camera!

Now naturally when a kid finds a camera it decides to take many pictures and even more naturally they stumble upon something that's not for their eyes and take a picture of it.

Cousin Shusui was definitely not supposed to be singing these strange things to his brother's fiancé, even though Itachi didn't like her and she was a fan girl.

But then again his cousin was known for being a shameless play boy who was willing to be with everything that moves and whose greatest dream was to make the Uchiha clan into a red light district, or so his other cousins said.

Sasuke didn't understand what they mean by that but he was sure that it wasn't anything good!

To make matters worse for his cousin he was the one who made fun of him the most so the little boy wanted revenge.

Sasuke snapped some pictures of him right when his brother's harpy of a fiancé was pretending to be nice and was leaning in for a kiss.

Much to the young Uchiha's amazement she knelled his cousin right into the family jewels and left him in great pain on the ground.

Sasuke smiled evilly and snapped a picture of that too, time for some pay back.

After getting the pictures he stalked his cousin until he got him alone and cornered, with no means of escape or getting back up.

Now naturally Shusui was no fool and knew that when someone stalked him it wasn't for anything good.

Instincts honed by him being chased all over Konoha by his former fan club, who was later turned off by his perverted ways, were screaming now for him to run at the site of the little boy in front of him.

The expression on his face was that of a chocolate addicted fan girl closing in on her chocolate covered victim to do…stuff.

Sasuke's Pov

_Ha, he looks like a cornered doe, time to get my revenge!_

-So cousin how is the weather?

_He looks even more scared, but that is to be expected the guide did say that starting with a small talk about the weather makes the victim feel helpless!_

-Good…

-Yes I agree it's really good for many activities, like hitting on my soon to be sister in law and getting your little friend crushed.

At that Sasuke got a withered glare and began to sweat a little.

-You have no proof, kid!

His cousin said, almost laughing.

At that Sasuke simply showed him the pictures with a cat ate the canary expression on his face.

_Ha ha ha, if you could only see yourself now cousin, you so totally few for it!_

_Now that I have his attention, time for phase two: make demands or give him hell!_

-You can keep those copies if you want, dear cousin, but be warned I have more of these pictures that may found there way around the village if you don't do as I say!

_Hi is considering it, I'm actually successful!_

-What do you want, you hell spawn? –said Shusui with a tired sigh.

-Well for starters I want the teasing to stop, not just from you but from the entire clan or you'll be faced with father's wrath for trying to dishonor the future Uchiha matriarch!

End POV

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><p>And that's how Sasuke wend down the path to greatness and sealed his fate as a potential minion of one Sakura Haruno who watched the entire display from a bush snickering evilly and enjoying the show.<p>

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><p>Well this is all for today, folks!<p> 


	3. Stalking and kidnapping

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or the Stalker song.

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><p>Warning: If you haven't guessed by the disclaimer there is a tiny part of song in this chapter (but this is not a song fic, don't worry) albeit a tiny bit modified so if you don't like it, skip it.<p>

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><p>Chapter 3: Stalking and kidnapping<p>

One week later

While Sakura was observing and learning from random mayhem and Sasuke was snapping pictures left and right "for the greater good and my sake".

_(This particularly selfish excuse made his brother and mother very "proud" after hearing it and petrified his father, but that's another issue not to be discussed now.)_

Naruto was thinking about the meaning of life and the cruelty of the ramen god who had left him without his gift to mankind for a week now and was yet to give him his blessings again after he had send that boy in the hospital.

Naruto couldn't really understand why the deity has forsaken him, his high priest and main worshiper, in favor of a heretic who probably didn't even know what ramen is!

No matter how much he though about it he still found it unfair.

All gods were supposed to be a little unfair but this was down right cruel!

At first he couldn't believe that the ramen was gone just because of a fight to protect the holly temple, or in other words the swing on which he first ate ramen, as it was his job as high priest to protect it anyway!

He even though that he may have forgotten to give his monthly offerings to the ramen god, a pack of noodles for the deity's ramen, but no, the noodles were there on the altar!

So Naruto was left pondering about the mystery, ramenless and miserable.

All in all the little blond wasn't a happy camper.

It definitely didn't help that the villagers send him nasty glares and he was sending them glares back, since he was suspecting them of depriving him of his ramen.

Gods can't be blamed for everything, after all!

A giggle made him lose his focus on the current problem.

The blond has been hearing these giggles ever since the dung bomb accident.

At first he tough nothing of them, going as far as to consider them a fragment of his imagination but then he kept hearing them more and more.

He heard them when he was pretending to sleep, when he was eating, when he was training and most disturbingly when he was in the shower!

The young jinchuuriki had gone through many things in his short life but this was by far the worst thing he had been subjected to.

As he frantically looked around to find his stalker, she was "admiring" him from afar.

Not many people would jump to defend her willingly so for young Hinata the blond in front of her was like a knight in shining armor.

After he heroically defended her and she made her vow to fallow him everywhere to protect him she went down to busyness.

First she bought many cameras and installed them in the abundant, well mostly anyway considering that only Naruto lived in it, apartment complex of her crush.

Next she converted the basement into a surveillance room where all of the data from the cameras was to be stored, so that she can view the videos later.

Only because she was worried for his health, nothing more

After that she went about restocking his pantries and fridge with fresh products.

For some strange reason the little girl couldn't understand he avoided the food and looked at it like it was going to eat him!

Hinata just wanted him to be happy but instead of brightening his day her efforts were causing the blonde to develop some serious paranoia.

She frowned and then smiled, it just couldn't be helped, she just had to be patient and help him until she pays off her dept to him for protecting her.

Earlier that week many in her clan's compound were trying to tell her that no, the blond wasn't protecting her and that he was actually protecting his swing.

The response to these claims was a fist in the face and half an hour lecture about how it was rude to sabotage true love.

Even her father had interfered, only to receive a two hour lecture about being the worst unsupportive father ever while she was practically fuming at the moth, after which he backed off.

And so Hinata was free to admire her crush from a tree where he couldn't see her.

She had asked Naruto on a date before she begun stalking him, but...

The blond had the gal to think it was only to become friends!

Then he had the even bigger gal to suggest that they should play ninja instead of taking her out for dango or something else!

Then when she finally forced him to take her out somewhere he took her to a ramen stand…that couldn't sell any ramen!

By the time it took her to get the chef in a headlock and demand that he make them some ramen Naruto had run away screaming about demons wanting to fatten him up so that they could eat him.

Stupid fairy tails giving her love silly ideas!

Her plan hadn't worked, but this one will or else heads will roll!

She had kidnapped Naruto's frog nightcap and made reservations for a dango shop and she had left a letter for her blond on his bed, soon they will have their first perfect date!

Meanwhile Naruto was creped out because of the constant giggling.

It had started after a girl had claimed that he had protected her.

Was this the true meaning of being the hero?

Being surrounded by creepy girls who wanted to fatten him up and then eat him?

Was that what Hokage-jiji was going through?

If it was not even that nice silly hat was worth it, it was way too scary to be heroic.

With that decision he went home and saw something straight out of a horror movie: right where he usually put his favorite and only nightcap a letter lay.

The letter said:

_I got your nightcap, don't be alarmed as long as you come to me he won't be harmed._

_We'll have a bite to eat, I'll come unarmed._

_So happy together, forever and ever!_

Naruto threw the letter and few to the ground, his nightcap, his precious nightcap was abducted!

What wrong had it done to the world?

So he looked up the skies (ceiling) and said:

-I'll miss you my cap, rest in peace, you served me well.

There was nothing he could do, if he rescue it that would mean he was heroic and then maybe the ninja boogie man will go after him!

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><p>Well that's for now.<p>

Tell me your opinions, don't be shy! =)


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